1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
