He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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