I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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