You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
All the doctor said was why
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
