Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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