bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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