sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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