Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
