I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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