You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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