I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
