Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
