im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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