So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
