i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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