Screwed.edu
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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