Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize