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dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Randomize
