I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
