I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Randomize
