I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
