Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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