i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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