Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
