He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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