I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
