So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
