dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
