The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
