He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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