there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
