Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
