Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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