So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
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