I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
