I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
