I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
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