omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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