Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
