Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
