Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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