I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
