well I can't set my house on fire every night
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
