Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
