Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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