I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
