Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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