I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
