Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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