I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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