I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
