never play flip cup with pint glasses
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
