True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
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