i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
