So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Hippo gnu deer
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
