One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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