woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
