I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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