I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
there is glitter all over my balls
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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