Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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