The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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