i'm lost and i look like a hooker
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
