Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
