The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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